In 1173 workers in the town of Pisa, Italy started construction on a tower designed to stand 179 feet tall. The word “pisa” means ‘marshy land’ which gives some clue why the tower began to lean even before it was completed. To compound the problem the foundation dug for the tower was only 10 feet deep. People who understand construction know that problems were almost guaranteed, because the foundation was not strong enough to support that building.
When one looks at marriages, some appear to be strong, some appear to be in danger of collapse (like the leaning tower of Pisa) and some have already crashed. Is there a common foundation supporting those marriages that are strong and healthy? I believe there is. It is also easy to detect a week foundation that can’t support a marriage for very long.
One foundation for an unhealthy marriage is where one of the partners controls the marriage and dominates his/her spouse. If one person always gets their way in the marriage, at least that person is satisfied with the relationship. But no one with a healthy self-esteem would want to be a spouse to that person.
Can you avoid marital conflict? No! The best you can do is learn how to handle it when it happens. The above solution may work for the person in control, but it won’t lead to a healthy marriage. People have a natural tendency to want things to go their way. But it’s selfish to expect things always to go one way. Just by the fact that in a marriage two people are coming together with two different backgrounds, two different personalities, from two different families, there are going to be conflicts. So, what foundation is strong enough to build a long lasting, healthy marriage? A foundation for a strong marriage is when both partners are willing to look for the good in their spouse’s ideas and are willing to listen to an idea that is different than theirs.
That is found in a marriage where neither partner dominates the other. Both partners accept the other as their equal in the relationship. There is a free flow of thoughts and ideas. When there is a difference of opinion, both sides are listened to and considered. Solutions that are agreeable to both partners are achieved usually by blending both initial positions together.
Selfish people have the “if I want it, I’m right” standard. More mature people realize that they’re not always right and are willing to listen to people with differing opinions. How do couples come up with decisions that they both agree upon when previously they were in disagreement? That happens when both partners are willing to listen to their spouse – especially when they disagree.
They try to find solutions that blend their original position with ideas from their partner’s position. They keep discussing ideas and offering possible solutions until they both are comfortable with a decision. When that is found in a marriage – that is a strong enough foundation to last.