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Category: Blog with Harmony in the Home

A number of years ago I read an article about “A 6 Pig Wife.” I recently tried to locate the article to assure accuracy of this story, but without success. I believe the details I remembered are correct . . . but even if not, the principle is valid. The story goes like this:

A man who was conducting business in one of the Polynesian Islands heard a rumor about “a 6 pig wife.” He was very intrigued by this. If it was true, he wanted to meet her.

Let me interrupt the story to explain what the phrase “6 pig wife” means. In that culture, in order to marry a young woman, one had to negotiate a “bride price.” The bride price was to compensate the father of the bride for her moving out of his family and moving in with the groom.

The typical bride price was paid in pigs, usually from one to three pigs, four at the absolute most. The girls that had the most desirable qualities would require the largest payment in bride price.

It shouldn’t take too much imagination to speculate that a wife’s standing in that society would depend upon her bride price. Everyone knew how much each wife cost the husband’s family. The greater the cost, the greater her standing.

Now, back to the story. This man traveled from island to island, tracking down the rumors of a “6 pig wife.” Many people had heard about her, but no one knew which island she lived on. Finally, he met someone who directed him to one of the more isolated islands.

He traveled to the island, asked about, and was eventually introduced to the “6 pig wife.” When he met her he was astonished. After weeks of speculation, he anticipated finding a woman of extraordinary appearance and ability.

His first impression upon meeting her was that she was a “plain Jane.” There was nothing extraordinary about her. However, upon further observation, he did notice that she seemed to have a quiet confidence about her – she seemed to glow, especially when around her husband.

As he left that island, he contemplated what he had seen. He asked himself, why did the husband pay 6 pigs for his wife, when he probably could have married her for several pigs less?

This was his conclusion: The husband understood that everyone in that society evaluated a woman’s worth by how much she cost her husband. This man wanted everyone (his wife, her family, her friends, his family, his friends . . . everyone) to know that in his opinion, she was worth more than any other woman on that island.

Can you imagine what that information would do for the woman’s self esteem, especially if her husband treated her like she was worth “6 pigs”? In return, how much would that affect how she treated him?

Husbands, would you like your wife to have a quiet confidence? Would you like her to “glow”, especially when she is around you? If so, then treat her like a “6 pig wife”.

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Category: Blog with Harmony in the Home

Men and women are different. Yeah duh! We’re not called the “opposite sex” for nothing. Often, it’s when we’re attempting to relate to the opposite gender that we run into communication issues. These articles are intended to help avoid and smooth out “bumps” in relationships between men and women.

Husbands – Put Away Your Tool Belt

Men, have you noticed that the same skills that work on the job or with the “guys” often don’t work with your wife? You might be very successful at work, but that success will not automatically transfer into the home. You might have some strong relationships with friends that are guys, but that doesn’t guarantee a strong marriage.

Why is that? A husband can get into trouble when he treats his wife like one of the guys. This is especially true when he puts on his “Mr. Fix-It” hat. Understanding this next truth will prevent a lot of stress in the home and make a husband’s life more enjoyable.

Just because you wife discusses a situation with you does not mean that she wants you to “fix-it.” Men need to understand how women deal with issues. Women tend to process their thoughts verbally. When women are processing their thoughts, they are trying to solve their own issues and aren’t looking for help at that time.

How does a husband know what his wife wants? The solution is not that hard . . . ask her! I know a husband that interrupts his wife as soon as she starts discussion an issue with him. He then asks her, “Do you want me to fix this, or just to listen?” When she gives him the answer, he knows exactly what to do.

Husbands, your wife wants your shoulder, not your mouth.

Wives – Don’t Question Your Husband’s Ability

A wife can question her husband’s ability unknowingly when she treats him like one of the “gals.” In the same way that a husband can irritate his wife unintentionally, a wife can communicate lack of confidence in her husband without realizing it.

Female-to-female rules require women to soften a request by asking, “Can you get that?” or “Is that too heavy for you?” A woman hears those questions and understands that the asker is simply being nice.

But a man hears those same questions and has an entirely different reaction. A man feels that you have no confidence in him and are questioning his ability. At best, he is irritated by the lack of confidence and at worst, he will just not do the task.

Men have an amazing capacity to rise up to the level of expectation.

Some comments that motivate a man without questioning his ability are “Wow, you’re able to do that!” or “Thanks so much for helping me.”

Here’s an example that ended up saving lives. A husband, wife and two children were flying in a small twin-engine airplane when the pilot had a massive heart attack and passed out. The husband did have a pilot’s license, but it was for single engine planes, a much different plane than the one he was in. His wife made the following comment to him, “I believe you can do this; our daughters and I will be in the back seat praying for you.” What a wonderful statement of confidence in her husband. A comment like that will bring out maximum effort from a man. This man found the airplane unfamiliar and the controls difficult to operate. However, he was able to safely land the plane with another pilot coaching him over the headset.

Wives – if you think your husband can do something . . . you’ll probably be right. If you think he can’t do something . . . you’ll probably still be right!

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Category: Blog with Harmony in the Home

In 1173 workers in the town of Pisa, Italy started construction on a tower designed to stand 179 feet tall. The word “pisa” means ‘marshy land’ which gives some clue why the tower began to lean even before it was completed. To compound the problem the foundation dug for the tower was only 10 feet deep. People who understand construction know that problems were almost guaranteed, because the foundation was not strong enough to support that building.

When one looks at marriages, some appear to be strong, some appear to be in danger of collapse (like the leaning tower of Pisa) and some have already crashed. Is there a common foundation supporting those marriages that are strong and healthy? I believe there is. It is also easy to detect a week foundation that can’t support a marriage for very long.

One foundation for an unhealthy marriage is where one of the partners controls the marriage and dominates his/her spouse. If one person always gets their way in the marriage, at least that person is satisfied with the relationship. But no one with a healthy self-esteem would want to be a spouse to that person.

Can you avoid marital conflict? No! The best you can do is learn how to handle it when it happens. The above solution may work for the person in control, but it won’t lead to a healthy marriage. People have a natural tendency to want things to go their way. But it’s selfish to expect things always to go one way. Just by the fact that in a marriage two people are coming together with two different backgrounds, two different personalities, from two different families, there are going to be conflicts. So, what foundation is strong enough to build a long lasting, healthy marriage? A foundation for a strong marriage is when both partners are willing to look for the good in their spouse’s ideas and are willing to listen to an idea that is different than theirs.

That is found in a marriage where neither partner dominates the other. Both partners accept the other as their equal in the relationship. There is a free flow of thoughts and ideas. When there is a difference of opinion, both sides are listened to and considered. Solutions that are agreeable to both partners are achieved usually by blending both initial positions together.

Selfish people have the “if I want it, I’m right” standard. More mature people realize that they’re not always right and are willing to listen to people with differing opinions. How do couples come up with decisions that they both agree upon when previously they were in disagreement? That happens when both partners are willing to listen to their spouse – especially when they disagree.

They try to find solutions that blend their original position with ideas from their partner’s position. They keep discussing ideas and offering possible solutions until they both are comfortable with a decision. When that is found in a marriage – that is a strong enough foundation to last.

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Category: Blog with Harmony in the Home